Monday, March 07, 2011

This post is totally not annoying at all.

The vicious beatdown that is new motherhood continues this week with this really fun thing called an allergy elimination diet. Here's how it goes! It's totally fun! First you find out that your poor four-month-old baby is allergic to something you're eating, and that it's causing her an unknowable amount of gastric pain. Delightful! That doesn't make you feel ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE or anything! Then you discover that the doctor has essentially no clue what the allergen might be, and that's just, you know, really encouraging. So you stop eating soy, because, according to the doctor, that's as good a place to start as any. And this is all super-great because you already don't eat eggs, dairy, meat, wheat, or gluten -- so, what's one more ingredient to avoi--OH WAIT SOY IS IN EVERYTHING.

Buuuut, two totally awesome soy-free weeks later, nothing has changed and your poor little baby who never did anything to anyone is still clearly in pain and crying piteously around the clock. Do you feel like kind of a failure as this baby's keeper and protector? Only COMPLETELY. (I told you this was fun!) So, then you eliminate all major allergens from your diet, because that's just a really good time. Why not? Goodbye, tomatoes, citrus, nuts, chocolate, salt, and corn. (Still no eggs, dairy, meat, wheat, or gluten.) Soy is back in the game, but now CORN is the ubiquitous villain appearing in everything that isn't, you know, an organic banana.

And then you compose a cynical, mocking blog post in which you totally feel sorry for yourself, alienating all four of your regular readers and getting on even your own nerves.

Well. Something nicer tomorrow, dears.


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